"All that has been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries about consciousness, language, communication skills, and use of power that enable us to maintain a perspective of empathy for ourselves and others, even under trying conditions."- Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D., Founder of Nonviolent Communication

I was blessed to spend the anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi's birthday in an empowering workshop on nonviolent communication (NVC). I was actually supposed to be in Rishikesh this past weekend with the 7th grade but our trip was cancelled due to heavy rains and as a result I was able to finally attend a NVC training. On Friday as I boarded the metro to head to the workshop I had a fever, a terrible cold and felt exhausted but NVC has been on my radar for quite some time and I was determined to make it!

The workshop was held in a beautiful retreat center, Zorba the Buddha, which is right next to the metro stop, Ghittorni, in Gurgaon, about 40 minutes via metro from my home in South Delhi. For me, the weekend was both empowering and nourishing. Empowering because NVC has given me a framework to bring nondual theory into the practice of communication and nourishing because of the tranquil setting, delicious meals, and natural surroundings. Most importantly, the deep, authentic beautiful connections I made with new friends cultivated a sense of warmth, hope, and serenity in me. Our workshop was small and the intimacy lent itself to a real sense of community. In our group of 10 we had individuals from a variety of professions and international backgrounds.

NVC was founded by Dr. Marshall B. Rosenberg. Rosenberg grew up in inner city Detroit and was driven to find a way to promote effective peacemaking skills. The Center for Nonviolent Communication came out of the work he did during the civil rights movement where he mediated between rioting students and college administrators and worked to peacefully desegregate public schools in long-segregated regions.

Our retreat was led by Kumarjeev, one of the two Certified NVC trainers in all of India. Kumarjeev lives in Nagpur, was born into a Dalit family and in 1992 ordained into the Western Buddhist Order/Trailokya Bauddha Mahasangha. In 2001 he started the Dhamma Revolution organization to reach out to all parts of India and to create a national network of Buddhists. I was filled with joy when I met Kumarjeev and I look forward to visiting him and connecting with the Indian Buddhist community in Nagpur this November during Diwali.  

From what I understand, NVC at its core is about improving the quality of our lives through enhancing our presence, awareness and as a result understanding. When you use NVC, all individuals are heard, connected and as a result joy can arise no matter how difficult the issue is. Our habitual language where we tend to judge and blame is characterized by the animal, jackal, and NVC is characterized by a giraffe. The symbol for NVC is a giraffe because it has a long neck so it can see more, and have more "perspective," and it is the animal with the largest heart. This reminded me of my teacher, Thich Nhat Hanh, who said that the more understanding we put into our hearts, the larger it grows. The retreat stressed the difference between having a concept of terms such as forgiveness and awareness and having an experiential understanding or practice of forgiveness and awareness.

We began most sessions with connecting and answering the question of how we were. During our first morning session which happened to be Gandhi Jayanti Kumarjeev asked us: “What would you like to achieve to get a sense that you have lived this life fully with satisfaction? What is the highest purpose of your life?”

I was pleased because when answering the first question I felt that I had lived my life fully with no regrets and if I were to die in my sleep that very night I could die in peace, content and filled with gratitude. Other participants shared similar sentiments and expressed the motivation to be as present as they could in as many moments as possible. When answering the second question I also had complete clarity that my purpose in life is to bring love, happiness and understanding to all sentient beings and work towards a collective awakening. All participant answers shared a common theme of interconnectedness—connection, contribution, presence and love were frequent answers. One member of our group shared the chorus of a lovely song: “I have got roots going down to waters. I have leaves growing up to the sunshine. The fruit that I bear is a sign of life in me. I am shade for the hot sun of sun down. I am a nest for the birds of the heaven. And becoming what the lord of the trees has meant me to be, a strong young tree.”

Kumarjeev stressed that separation is what causes our suffering and when we see the flow of life and we are flowing with it we can be joyful. NVC addresses how we can contribute to the flourishing of life in all so as we grow with it, it can become beautiful and harmonious. In order to grow we have to meet certain needs like food, shelter and care. NVC 's core is getting in contact with needs. In our communication we express our needs and values, but we have learned to express our needs and values in such a way that we often blame and judge others. We tend to frame our communication around what is not right, what is not happening, what is not correct, what is disastrous and this brings us disconnection. Anger is the tragic expression of unmet needs.

NVC helps us meet needs peacefully—we meet other people’s needs in harmony with our needs. Instead of expressing needs that are getting met we usually express needs that are not getting met. In habitual communication we express ourselves in terms of lack and NVC is an invitation to examine what is not working and saying “let’s work together.”

NVC has four ingredients: observation, feelings, needs, request. Observation can be understood as what we hear, see or experience free from our own analyses, judgments and labels. Observation helps us separate facts from our judgments.

Feelings are immediate responses and they can be contracting like fear or anxiety or expanding like joy and love. Habitually, we do not let ourselves experience feelings, when we say, "I feel like…" then we have already gone into a thought.

Everyone has needs and our needs make us one. Needs are behind our feelings. In a handout we were given at the workshop it states: “What others say and do may be a stimulus but never a cause, of our feelings.” Our feelings are caused by met or unmet needs. Too often we put responsibility of our feelings on others. The shift in attitude that comes with nonviolent communication is that the cause of our feelings are in our own needs. So instead of focusing our attention on who is responsible for our pain we understand that our pain is due to unmet needs. In fact, needs are where the power is. Becoming aware of what our needs are and how to meet them. Needs are alive in the moment and they are never, “I need you to…”

Request is the last ingredient. We can employ a strategy to make a request to ourselves or another to meet the unmet needs. Request to others must be S.M.A.R.T. which stands for specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-framed. When we make requests we need to allow the other person space to say no. For example, if our need for connection with our partner is not being met we can make a request for our partner to go out to dinner with us. NVC doesn’t say all of our issues will be resolved but it can provide us with a concrete framework to understand why we are feeling a certain way and it empowers us to take the appropriate action in order to get our needs met.

We did a number of exercises that helped us practice and deepen our understanding of observation, feeling, need, and request. For example, in order for an observation to be an observation it is essential that it is specific and contains no analysis or judgment. For example, if someone said, “I notice you are getting up late” as an observation there is ambiguity in that. What time? What days? For example one could say: “I called you 3 times yesterday and you didn’t answer. I feel regret and would like more connection.” When communicating it is essential that we are in contact with another person’s observation, feelings, needs and requests. 

NVC is not about right or wrong it is about different needs and understanding what those needs are. Our feelings cue us as to what our needs are. Some strategies for getting in touch with our feelings are to notice the quality of our breath (when we are upset our breath is usually shorter and when we are calm our breath is longer and deeper), awareness of our body (sensations all over your body) or even something as simple as checking in 5 times a day with how we are feeling and eventually this will become more integrated into our daily lives.  On participant shared that before meetings her staff engages in a process called, “grounding.” They get in touch with their feelings and start their meetings in silence.

 In NVC, when we guess feelings, needs and request around the person we are communicating with it is ALWAYS in the present even if the situation is 20 years in the past. We must ask, what do they need now? If your intention of the present communication is to change another person and make them understand a certain thing or change or correct their habits then you are bound to get polarized and not really be in the present because you are trying to achieve something that is not in the present. NVC only works when you are in the present and your intention is to connect in the present. Your intention is a compassionate connection, mindful of what is happening NOW.

When you guess another person’s feelings you are not claiming what they are feeling nor are you asking them an open question like, “What are you feeling?” For example, today before my advisory, one of my beautiful 7^th graders was crying because she did poorly on a test. I gave her a hug, got her tissues, some water, took her to another classroom and based on my observation said: “You seem unhappy and need support.” She looked at me, her eyes still filled with tears and we hugged. I just held her as she cried and after a few minutes she looked at me and said she felt better and thanked me for being there. I then connected with my feelings and needs and said: “I am grateful for this connection and want you to know I am always here for you.” As I held my student I remembered Kumarjeev saying that 90% of the connection is in the need and only 10% is in the feeling.

For me one of the highlights of the weekend was when the group used a scenario from my classroom to role play. I really wanted to see how I could use NVC to build a compassionate classroom. One of the participants who is in the final stages of becoming a certified NVC trainer played me during the role play where I was trying to connect with two boys in one of my classes that don’t get along. In the role play she began with connecting with her judging and blaming regarding the situation and moved from various cards that denoted internal (mine) or external (the student I was trying to connect with) observations, feelings, needs and requests. She modeled how I could receive my students with seeing what is alive in them and communicating my need for harmony in our classroom and requesting their support in creating this space.

Another valuable exercise is when we practiced 20 minutes of empathetic listening where we reflected back what our partner said. I’ve tried doing this with my students today and have found it very helpful in clarifying their needs and gauging what they really understand.   

We also had a role play where one participant expressed his feelings to the Iranian President, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. What I got out of this exercise was how important it is to make a connection before bringing about a solution and in this connection the importance of understanding the needs of others. This exercise also illustrated how our own thinking can keep someone in a box. Change can only happen if you really, truly, deeply believe in change.

We also practiced self empathy where we wrote letters to people in our lives and then translated the letter into our judgments, observation, feelings and needs. When I did this I had a new image of the person and felt really empowered about what steps I could take to recreate the relationship. For example, with one of my students I got really clear about how I could better support myself and my student by paying special attention to meeting both of our needs. I did struggle with making S.M.A.R.T. requests and Kumarjeev also told me that the key was to first really get in touch with the needs and then the appropriate request will blossom.  

On Sunday morning we began with a beautiful meditation that really established a sense of gratitude in all of us. Kumarjeev stressed that we can operate from two spaces:  scarcity or abundance. If we operate from a space of scarcity then we have no wish to give, we feel lack even when we might have a lot. If we operate from a space of abundance we focus on what we have, and we give out of gratitude.

When we are with another person what we can give most is our attention and this makes the biggest difference. The attention we give to another being when we communicate is out of gratitude, out of a desire to give, it is boundless. When both individuals are giving, when giving is mutual then we can’t differentiate who is giving and who is receiving.  Awareness of giving and receiving is your very expression of gratitude.

At the end of our time together each of us shared so beautifully about what they got from the training and in the words of one participant, we all left inspired to “live NVC and not just talk about it.”

From our NVC handouts:

NEEDS: (This list of needs is by no means exhaustive) CONNECTION: acceptance, affection, appreciation, belonging, cooperation, communication, closeness, community, companionship, compassion, consideration, consistency, empathy, inclusion, intimacy, love, mutuality, nurturing, respect/self-respect, safety, security, stability, support, to know and be known, to see and be seen, to understand and be understood, trust, warmth; PHYSICAL WELL-BEING: air, food, movement/exercise, rest/sleep, sexual expression, safety, shelter, touch, water; HONESTY: authenticity, integrity, presence; PLAY: joy, humor; PEACE: beauty, communion, ease, equality, harmony, inspiration, order; AUTONOMY: choice, freedom, independence, space, spontaneity; MEANING: awareness, celebration or life, challenge, clarity, competence, consciousness, contribution, creativity, discovery, efficacy, effectiveness, growth, hope, learning, mourning, participation, purpose, self-expression, stimulation, to matter, understanding.

FEELINGS WHEN YOUR NEEDS ARE NOT SATISFIED: AFRAID: apprehensive, dread, foreboding, frightened, mistrustful, panicked, petrified, scared, suspicious, terrified, wary, worried; CONFUSED: ambivalent, baffled, bewildered, dazed, hesitant, lost, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn; ANNOYED: aggravated, dismayed, disgruntled, displeased, exasperated, frustrated, impatient, irritated, irked; ANGRY: enraged, furious, incensed, indignant, irate, livid, outraged, resentful; AVERSION: animosity, appalled, contempt, disgusted, dislike, hate, horrified, hostile, repulsed; CONFUSED: ambivalent, baffled, bewildered, dazed, hesitant, lost, mystified, perplexed, puzzled, torn; DISCONNECTED: alienated, aloof, apathetic, bored, cold, detached, distant, distracted, indifferent, numb, removed, uninterested, withdrawn; DISQUIET: agitated, alarmed, discombobulated, disconcerted, disturbed, perturbed, rattled, restless, shocked, startled, surprised, troubled, turbulent, turmoil, uncomfortable, uneasy, unnerved, unsettled, upset; EMBARRASED: ashamed, chagrined, flustered, guilty, mortified, self-conscious; FATIGUE: beat, burnt out, depleted, exhausted, lethargic, listless, sleepy, tired, weary, worn out; PAIN: agony, anguished, bereaved, devastated, grief, heartbroken, hurt, lonely, miserable, regretful, remorseful; SAD: depressed, dejected, despair, despondent, disappointed, discouraged, disheartened, forlorn, gloomy, heavy hearted, hopeless, melancholy, unhappy; TENSE: anxious, cranky, distressed, distraught, edgy, fidgety, frazzled, irritable, jittery, nervous, overwhelmed, restless, stressed out; VULNERABLE: fragile, guarded, helpless, insecure, leery, reserved, sensitive, shaky; YEARNING: envious, jealous, longing, nostalgic, pining, wistful.

FEELINGS WHEN YOUR NEEDS ARE SATISFIED: AFFECTION: compassionate, friendly, loving, open hearted, sympathetic, tender, warm; ENGAGED: absorbed, alert, curious, engrossed, enchanted, entranced, fascinated, interested, intrigued, involved, spellbound, stimulated; HOPEFUL: expectant, encouraged, optimistic; CONFIDENT: empowered, open, proud, safe, secure; EXCITED: amazed, animated, ardent, aroused, astonished, dazzled, eager, energetic, enthusiastic, giddy, invigorated, lively, passionate, surprised, vibrant. GRATEFUL: appreciative, moved, thankful, touched; INSPIRED: amazed, awed, wonder; JOYFUL: amused, delighted, glad, happy, jubilant, pleased, tickled; EXHILARATED: blissful, ecstatic, elated, enthralled, exuberant, rapturous, thrilled; PEACEFUL: calm, clear headed, comfortable, centered, content, equanimous, fulfilled, mellow, quiet, relaxed, relieved, satisfied, serene, still, tranquil, trusting; REFRESHED: enlivened, rejuvenated, renewed, rested, restored, revived.