The Power of Nonviolent Communication
This weekend I participated in yet another nonviolent communication training. I found tremendous value in the previous nonviolent communication workshop I attended and believe NVC is a great complement to mindfulness practice. What I love about NVC is how the process of really understanding the needs behind my feelings gives me freedom and promotes acceptance. “Needs” can be seen at three levels: existence, safety and identity.
This training focused on transforming disempowering beliefs, anger and guilt. Our trainer, Pascale, a form Medical Doctor and certified NVC trainer from Paris, ensured that each participant experienced the transformation of one major belief and a situation of guilt and anger. By getting in touch with our body sensations and really "feeling our feelings" we are able to connect with our needs. Understanding our needs can give us great clarity in all of our situations. I also got to clearly see how my beliefs are often behind my judgments and saw how empowering beliefs like “anything is possible” makes me feel expansive and disempowering beliefs like “eating meat is wrong” (I was able to transform this one!) makes me feel rigid and constricted. Many of our beliefs are connected to the “tribes” we are born into. The founder of NVC, Marshall Rosenberg, stated that “anger and guilt are natural feelings guided by ‘unnatural thinking.’ This unnatural thinking is made up of many beliefs that we are not aware of, because they are part of our constitution—we were brought up in a tribe, living in accordance with certain beliefs, so that they become part of our reality. We are convinced that what we believe is truth; the right way to do things. Some beliefs are valuable but others limit our tolerance and freedom." We are steeped in our beliefs, for us they are “normal” and self-evident. Managing to sniff them out, becoming aware of the influence they have had on our lives, is an essential step towards transforming their impact on us if they are no longer useful.
I also learned how to differentiate between the stimulus and cause of my anger (which is always in our head, a place in our brain of “how the world should be”) and by staying with my body sensations get to the root of my anger. In my case I got angry when I was asked to re-park my car after a long day. I rarely get angry but for some reason this incident really set me off but I saw how my need for rest was so strong, I was so tired that at that moment being asked to re-park my car was just too much for me—the root of my anger was my unmet need.
I’ve been feeling guilty about my decision to leave India after 5 years at the end of May and during the transformation of guilt session I saw how deep my needs are to be back in the US, close to my family and friends my age. For the first time I got in touch with the intensity of my needs and actually burst into uncontrollable tears. It became clear that it’s not really about making a decision to go back home to the US, my needs are literally driving me back to the States.
Framework for working with beliefs:
1. My belief - concrete example
2. How do you feel right now? (body sensations)
3. In what way is this belief useful to me? Which needs are met by this belief?
4. The cost of the belief, unmet needs
5. How do you feel when connected with your needs? What is your top priority need today?
6. Which words would enable you to sustain and develop your life energy?
7. What is one small step? What act might you perform to get grounded and actually start?
The most beautiful part of the weekend was when I was able to give gratitude to those who gave me an empowering belief. I feel that my most empowering belief is a belief in “possibility” and “living my dreams.” When I connected with this belief I saw my parents, grandparents, great-grandparents and my whole lineage in me—it was very powerful. Tomorrow is my parent’s 38th anniversary and it was wonderful to share the following with them:
This weekend I've been in an intensive nonviolent communication training and it has been very powerful. We focused a lot on beliefs--both empowering and disempowering. In one exercise we gave gratitude to those who have given us our most empowering belief and I gave gratitude to both of you and all of my ancestors. I want to thank you from my depths of my heart for transmitting to me the empowering belief that anything is possible, the sky is the limit and to lead a life where I live my dreams. My deep needs for possibility, freedom, meaning, confidence, adventure, creativity and courage have been met because of this. I am eternally grateful to you and my familial lineage as this belief is the greatest gift anyone can give their progeny--the gift of a life with deep meaning, no regrets and a life of fearlessness. I'm grateful to have such loving parents.
